WorldOfChicks
by sunshinecreamroses
Summary: Warning (blink, blink). Status: Critical. 'We really need to check your orientation and give you a strong dose of medicine, it's not normal.' in which confused gay men are righted. Literally. [sasusaku]


**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

* * *

**W**O_R_L**D**_O_FC**H**_**I**_CKS

_If You Call Yourself Men._

* * *

"Ahh…_sugoi_…Like, we should come here every single day…"

The blonde sighed happily and dreamily as the woman massaged his back tenderly and in a soothing way so that it relaxed all his knotted muscles. Close to him was his best friend, his raven hair wet and dripping, but surprisingly, still as spiky as if dry. His expression was exasperated.

Naruto had dragged Sasuke in to this spa/bathhouse on his way there, given that he mistook Sasuke's expressionless façade to be stressed-out and lonely as he walked down the Konoha streets.

Sasuke couldn't be sure, but maybe Naruto was right about his situation.

Still, even though the gentle fingers massaging his back and shampooing his hair were very relaxing and enticing, he thought he preferred to go to a just men's bathhouse and linger there…in the best-case scenario, alone.

He couldn't answer himself why he felt like that.

"Teme, why don't we come here tomorrow as well?"

"I think not."

Naruto appeared devastated. "Why?"

He didn't answer, just closed his eyes and acted as if he didn't hear.

"Oh," Naruto sighed knowingly, a shrewd expression replacing his troubled one. He smirked. "So, your emo days are still going on?"

"Hn."

"I don't get it Sasuke. You seem so…lonely and worried about it too, but you don't try mingling in with us and the others to cure yourself? I mean, we all care about you. And you're all "stay away" and "leave me alone" and "annoying" all the time…"

Grrr. Sasuke gritted his teeth and answered through them. "I am _not _lonely, I am _not_ worried about it, I don't _need_ you people, and it's not like I have a disease or anything."

"Well, _something_ worth seeing a shrink for."

He just concentrated on unwinding himself.

"And it's not like _we_ have a disease or anything, you can hang out with us any time, me, Kiba, Shikamaru, Choji, Lee, Shino…Neji." Naruto mumbled. "You're always welcome, dude…we guys are like brothers, you know? I'm your best friend and you're even reserved with me…And then you don't go out with any –"

"Will you shut up?"

"Shutting."

"Okay, you're done," the women said after a few minutes, and they wrapped themselves in bathrobes. Sasuke tried noticing if they were pretty or anything, like for instance the one at his duty had a pretty shade of honey blonde hair, and nice eyes. The other one could do cream commercials, she had very fine skin.

But then, he didn't really feel any attraction to them, even when they smiled invitingly and ushered them to their rooms. Bet they did that to all the men.

"You can go to your rooms, and our girls will be there in a mo'." With that, they left.

Naruto stretched happily. "I feel so relaxed." Then he grinned. "Now comes the best part. For you, especially, Sas-_gay_."

Sasuke snarled angrily. He hated this nickname most of the guys called him with. And now it seemed to have rubbed off on Naruto as well. "Don't call me that."

"Continue being all emo and gay and you'll be stuck with it forever. Get a life, Sasuke." Naruto patted his arm and proceeded to his room, huge grin lighting up his face as two girls came around the corner, dressed in stylish, revealing clothes. The taller one settled on Naruto while the other peered around him, looking for the second customer.

Without registering any details, Sasuke spun around to leave. "I'll leave the money at the counter."

"_Hey_! Teme, come back!"

"Is he feeling okay?" One of them asked, concerned. He escaped hearing range as he turned around the corner and didn't heed Naruto's reply.

* * *

The next day…

**Home**

**Profile (Uchiha Sasuke)**

**Notifications (41)**

**Messages (22)**

**Friend Requests (31)**

He had been off for just a day, for heaven's sakes.

A feeling of familiar annoyance crept over him as he scrolled through his friend requests: all girls that he didn't even recognize. Just faceless strangers he never noticed in school, even though they hung around him with desperation that he would notice them, and even give them the time of day, which was quite impossible in Uchiha dictionary.

He scoffed and deleted all the requests; he didn't bother running through his notifications, knowing what they would probably be. Likes and cheesy comments and invitations and stuff he didn't like going into. He certainly couldn't even decipher why he had an account in a social networking site like Facebook, where privacy was merely a joke.

Perhaps Naruto had a hand in it? He couldn't remember.

He clicked on Messages.

**Yamanaka Ino **

Hey sexy :)

56 minutes ago Sent from Konohagakure, Land of Fire

**Tsuchi Kin (3)**

Hi im coming back to Konoha tmz r u free to…

1 hour ago Sent from Otogakure, Land of Rice

**Princess Karin (5)**

Hey Sasuke! Miss you, where are you...

The list went on and on.

Sasuke looked into chat, and unfortunately, Yamanaka was online, Hinata Hyuga was, a couple of other girls, that dogboy Inuzuka, and…Naruto.

**Yamanaka Ino: **hi again :)

**Tayuya Otohime: **hi hw r u

**Naruto Uzmki: **teme

Of course he settled on talking to his so-called best friend; even the idiot was top on his choices than those girls who fawned all over him, most of them sluts he wondered how he was friends with (only on Facebook).

**Uchiha Sasuke: **don't call me that

**Naruto Uzmki:** ughh what the hell should I call u

**Uchiha Sasuke:** I have a name u dumbass

**Naruto Uzmki**: hey!

**Uchiha Sasuke:** whatever dobe.

**Naruto Uzmki:** ok teme.

**Naruto Uzmki:** well anywayz I wanted to talk 2 u bout this thing I found

**Uchiha Sasuke:** what?

**Naruto Uzmki**: it's a freaking awesome website for guys like you

**Uchiha Sasuke**: Like me?

**Naruto Uzmki**: and me

**Naruto Uzmki**: I meant all guys, check it out www. worldofchicks .com*

* * *

The top of the website showed a picture of a hard-muscled guy wearing sun glasses and shorts sitting on the beach with a bikini-clad girl lying beside him, down on her back with dark tanned legs stretched out.

In large black letters the words WORLDOFCHICKS were scrawled across the picture, with a little caption beneath saying "If You Call Yourself Men".

_If you call yourself men_.

That statement was sure to attract all guys even those who weren't a least bit interested in social websites like that. So without a doubt, that description made Sasuke narrow his eyes and abscond the idea that this website was for slutty women and porn-loving guys.

The guideline said he had to sign in to unlock the whole programs. So he made up an account with a username "uchihahawk" (he didn't know where that came from) and put in a simple photo of him in a black jacket.

He proceeded to click on Home and see what else this website was about, but a window popped up.

_Please follow the steps._

Okay, dude.

There was a questionnaire to fill first.

_Age: 17.5 years_

_Education: Senior Year at Konoha High_

_Location: Konohagakure, Land of Fire_

_Gender: Male_

_Orientation:_

…

…

…

_Orientation: not specified_

_Favorite Song: Alone and Loving It *_

_Favorite Song Genre: rap, heavy metal_

_Favorite Movie: not specified_

_Favorite Movie Genre: action_

_Interested In: neither men nor women_

_Favorite Political Party: Legendary Sannins_

_Hobby: Spending time alone, training_

_Likes: alone time, tomatoes_

_Dislikes: girls_

_Height: 5 feet 9 Inches_

_Weight: 55 kg_

_Penis Size:_

…

…

…

_Penis Size: not specified_

SAVE?

…

…

…

SAVED.

_Please wait while your data is being tested._

Sasuke leaned back in his chair and opened his Facebook tab. Naruto had left a message.

**Naruto Uzmki: **k have fun bye sasgay :)

Ugh.

* * *

Sasuke came back into his room with a bottle of Coke and there was a window in red blinking furiously on the screen. He took a long slug and then sat on his bed with the laptop.

_WARNING!_

_Status: Critical_

_Errors: 6_

_We really need to check your orientation and give you a strong dose of medicine, it's not normal. _

"What?" He nearly snarled. "What's not normal?"

He clicked on More, and continued information appeared.

_The Song "Alone and Loving it" is not for normal men._

_Interested in neither gender is not for normal men._

_Spending time alone is not for young and normal men your age. _

_Liking alone time is not for young and normal men your age._

_Disliking girls in not for normal men. _

_Verifying all your physical sizes is important._

He laughed in spite of himself. He had never thought that these traits of his that had followed him since he was little were supposed to be abnormal in the eye of other populace. Like, stupid much? He wasn't fooled a bit.

He decided to play along and see what happened next, what kind of mediocre and moronic advices would follow.

FIX ISSUES or CLOSE WINDOW?

The former was the one the Uchiha chose. The website homepage appeared. There were ads about a famous sperm bank, about games for men, and others on the right hand. As he scrolled down, he found that the website was more like a dating service, or compatibility checker. It included trivia, news and updates, health section, books, songs, movies, etc. but the specific part of it was Pick Your Chick.

There was a reason why it had the name of World of Chicks. Because it was filled with profiles of thousands of girls, their pictures, their data, for any guy who wanted to pick them. Still, Sasuke couldn't help seeing that even though it proved to be a dating service for girls as well, it was specifically directed at men. Hormone-crazed men.

So why was he there?

He scrolled up and looked at the highlighted part. The header said "FIX ISSUES" and there were profiles of few girls in a row.

The medicine as they said was a _girl_?

Give me a break, he thought. This is getting faker and faker.

**iBlossom (View Profile) (Add to List)**

**NamiGirl (View Profile) (Add to List)**

**kINky (View Profile) (Add to List)**

For some reason, he added the first.

Like you must have figured out by now, Uchiha Sasuke did some things _very _unconsciously.

* * *

Sasuke had seen each and every single one of the 215 photos of the girl in her profile. Her data said she was female, homeschooled; she lived in Konoha, liked bad boys and supported Legendary Sannins as political party.

The website said they were compatible.

The website said her status was _hot._

He needed to see that, so he opened her album. The first picture showed a girl with flowing pink tresses, clad in tiny black French lingerie, leaning on a bed on her stomach. The thin, revealing cloth showed small boobs, but a curvaceous, appealing ass. There were flowers splayed all around her, cherry blossoms, lilac and rose petals.

He didn't focus on anything but her face. It was framed by pink bangs, had a perfect button nose, blood red full lips forming a pout, creamy white skin, and beautiful eyes. Very beautiful green eyes that seemed to sparkle like emerald even in the photo.

It was the first time he felt a _tiny_ bit of attraction towards a _girl_.

He moved through her photos, registering every detail, her clothes, her hairstyles, her smiles, disregarding the backgrounds. He was so engrossed in the last rows of pictures, which showed her in cute, stretchy prints, striking different poses, blowing kisses at the camera and all.

He realized he hated the website. He didn't like her to be posting her photos online for all those horny perverts out there, for the whole male population to check her out and claim her theirs.

It was on the edge of possessiveness, but then again, the Uchiha didn't realize that.

**iBlossom: **stalking me, boy?

Sasuke did a double take when he recognized the username. Why, it of the same girl he was stalking…no, no, just looking at the pictures of.

**uchihahawk: **no way

**iBlossom**: I know u are. Ur looking thru my pics, rite?

**uchihahawk: **ill just be honest, the site sort of made me add u

**iBlossom:** I know that's what the sites about, and I can c u as a viewer of my profile

Shit. He didn't know that was also possible.

**iBlossom**: so u n me r compatible, huh?

**uchihahawk**: so it says.

**iBlossom**: duh, I've been compatible for so many blokes out there

i**Blossom**: im not even sure I believe it any more

…

…

…

**iBlossom**: did I say smthng wrong?

**uchihahawk**: no, I guess. was doing something else

**iBlossom**: oh. Call me Sakura, by the way. so. Where r u?

**uchihahawk**: in my house

**uchihahawk**: in Konoha

**iBlossom**: where I live and work too!

**uchihahawk**: u work?

**iBlossom**: have to make money, don't I? Just got my lazy, don't-care dad living with me

**uchihahawk**: what do u do?

**iBlossom**: this and that. The site director pays the girls, that's why I put up with it

**iBlossom**: and I work at a spa

**uchihahawk**: …in Konoha?

**iBlossom**: yeah. Speaking of which, I think i've seen u before…ur pic is familiar

**uchihahawk**: I don't think _I_ have

**iBlossom**: well, u were with a blond guy that time, at the spa

**uchihahawk**: …

He vaguely remembered the two girls coming down the hallway. The taller of them took to Naruto, while the other one, the short one…looked around at him. And then he had left.

Was that her?

**uchihahawk**: I guess I don't really remember

**iBlossom**: so where's the time and place, boy?

**uchihahawk**: huh? What?

**iBlossom**: well…the step next to adding a girl is going on a date, you moron.

**iBlossom**: but first things first

…

…

…

…

**iBlossom: **. Your name? And...

...

...

...

**iBlossom**: Sexual orientation? Eh?

**iBlossom: **I guess we'll find out. :)

* * *

And she did.

For everyone in Konoha who blabbed about Uchiha Sasuke, major announcement:

Sexual orientation: STRAIGHT.

Dattebayo!

Small towns and gossip.

Eating ramen now that the (Real, I tell you! Taken from a legend of, ehem, an Uchiha) story's finished,

-Naruto

...

...

...

Those are all lies, I tell you. You're dead, dobe.

-Sasuke

...

...

...

uchihahawk aka my Sasuke, this is iBlossom aka your Sakura.

Please don't lie. And please don't check WORLDOFCHICKS anymore; I've ditched it. And please don't threaten Naruto; he's your best friend. And please don't claim OUR story, OUR real story as false. The consequences will be huge.

-Sakura

* * *

**Didn't really like the end, but it was fun writing. **

***Don't search the website in hope of reaching it; I made it up :P And I think _Alone and Loving it_ is also my own creation, though it _can_ be a real song.**

**So, review? Pretty please?**


End file.
